Dating and experiencing a healthy romance can seem to be quite tricky at times, to say the least.

I find myself conversing quite frequently with my clients in their twenties about their relationships and the desire to process through their questions and concerns in the realm of dating and romance.

Now, that’s not to say the below points are only reserved for your twenties, but just items that I see quite often in my role as a therapist within such an important developmental period.

Let’s make some space to talk about them. 

Settling 

There is a difference between having unreasonable expectations for a partner and settling. I often ask my clients to think about what their needs and wants are in a relationship. It can sometimes take time to differentiate the two when they’re not so obvious.

Whilst I think of needs as non-negotiables, having all your wants met in a relationship may not be realistic.

However, it is OK to have a specific and concrete set of needs in your search for a partner that meets requirements that you can’t live without. Through this, you are empowering yourself to honor your needs and affirming who you are as a potential partner. Don’t forget the ‘wants’! Those are important too! But your needs….define who you are and allow you to honor yourself in a partnership without forgetting the core of what defines you independently and in a relationship. 

Looking for Honesty on Apps 

In the age of dating apps such as Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, etc., it can be hard to find what it is that you’re looking for.

Regardless of what that is, honesty and transparency are the best policies. If you’re looking for something more short-term, be real about it. And if someone isn’t welcoming of your vulnerability or honesty in what you’re looking for, even in a short-term connection, then it is absolutely OK to walk away. I always emphasize putting a premium on consent and comfortability for a short-term connection. Even if you’re not looking for long-term dating, you are a person worthy of care, kindness and respect. 

If you are looking more towards long-term dating, it’s a positive to be your quirky, unique self and not…settle. Settling is dangerous. It can create situations in a relationship in which you create an unspoken capacity to experience so much more than what you’re comfortable with. Let’s normalize that not all connections and lifestyles are compatible. Even the healthiest of relationships take hard work, but that doesn’t mean every potential relationship is worth the effort. 

Making Your Partner Your Therapist 

It is wonderful to have a partner who makes space for you, doesn’t live within a constant state of conditionality, and is a good listener. With that said, a partner can be those things and your therapist can still be your therapist. If you recognize that you could benefit from working with a therapist on mood related concerns, stress or anxiety, or just about any issue, that can not only be enhancing your life but also your relationship’s heartbeat. It is wonderful to see a potential partner committed to working on themselves and the injection of those healthy behaviors intentionally or unintentionally into dating or a long-term partnership. 

Intentional Dating vs. Becoming Roommates 

…Now, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with a little netflix and chill, but I’m a believer that it should be the date night exception and not the standard. Create space to cultivate a growth of your relationship through intentional dating so you can continue to grow your love. Being in love can be a commitment to an eternal plane of kindness, goodness, and romance that permeates your relationship through dedication and care to your relationship habits and rituals. 

Growing Your Self-Esteem and Independence 

You CAN have a healthy and committed relationship in your twenties whilst also making space to grow who you are as a person. Your twenties are an invaluable time of growth, continued life-career exploration, and becoming the person you were always meant to be. A healthy partner will make the space for you to do so. 

Your twenties are a period of exponential growth in your life-career design and continued exploration into your different identities. Dating and the world of romance can take you off your feet, bring you back onto a soft pillowy plain and be a wonderful piece of life to experience, but that shouldn’t be stated without an emphasis on the importance of commitment to your passions and independence. There is plenty of space for both! 

-Chris